I Asked the Internet if I’m Gay and It Said Maybe

When I first started consuming media about 20 years ago, it wasn't what it is today. I don’t mean that in a “walk five miles to school uphill in the snow” kind of way. I mean that it was less gay.

Representation of the Queer community was extremely limited, especially for women. Queerness seemed to be reserved for the “masc” women, or those who display qualities traditionally associated with masculinity, such as clothing choice, hair length, and hobbies. So when I started to question my sexuality going into college, I thought there was no way I was gay; the stereotyped lesbian I saw online didn’t look like me.

Like other questioning people with access to the Internet, naturally, I looked for answers in BuzzFeed’s “Are You Gay?” quiz. The answer? “Maybe.” Great, I thought. I wanted a definitive answer, but it only left me with more questions. Did certain friends feel more than platonic? What is the Kinsey scale? Only one thing was sure: I was not wearing a carabiner from the belt loop of my jeans.

In my frenzy, I landed on the YouTube channel of two girls who looked like my friends and me, except they weren’t girl-friends. They were girlfriends. I was enamored— two feminine women, in love, online, for the whole world to see. I was obsessed…and then cleared my search history.

Holy shit I thought, I finally felt seen. But feeling seen was as frightening as it was relieving. At the time, “gay” was still widely used as an insult. I had so many questions and no one to ask.

I continued to consume Queer content online in secret. There were obvious ways to tell if someone was Queer (their page was an ode to their same-sex relationship) and more subtle (rainbow emoji their bio). At first, I was worried that others would see I was following “gay” people and would think I was gay too, but it was only by following them that I arrived at my digital (and IRL) destination – acceptance.

According to an Out Now study, 62% of LGBTQ+ individuals say social media influencers are essential in helping them explore and express their identity. Influencers counter problematic traditional media narratives about LGBTQ+ individuals by sharing stories in their own voices and inspiring others online, and in the process, building community. These communities become supportive spaces where people can discuss any topic of interest, ask questions, seek advice, form friendships, and even find love. Seeing Queer stories online validates peoples’ identities and experiences, especially for those who are confined by misunderstanding family/friends, harsh anti-LGBTQ legislation, or internalized homophobia.

I sat down with two women who have inspired me immensely for several years, Cammie Scott (@cammiescott), veteran LGBTQ+ content creator, and Mal Glowenke (@malglow), who rose to lesbian TikTok fame as the host of the Made It Out podcast, to discuss representation in media, their journey fostering a positive space for Queer people online, and advice for aspiring creators.

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ALEXIS DECARVALHO: What did Queer representation in media/social media look like for you growing up, in your adolescence?

CAMMIE SCOTT: In media, it was very stereotypical queer characters. It was either these horrible stories [where it’s going terrible for them] or people that didn't look like me. I just didn't see myself in any of these characters until the show South of Nowhere. It was life-changing. I was dating my first girlfriend when I started watching that show, but [my mindset] was still very much ‘you're my exception…I'm not gay because I can't be gay.’ South of Nowhere was my light bulb moment of, ‘oh my god, I think I'm gay’ even though I was already dating a woman. I felt so secure in my identity and my femininity, but not secure in my sexuality, and those were so wrapped up into one. If I didn't physically look like them, I couldn't relate to their sexuality and their struggles.

MAL GLOWENKE: I don’t really remember much representation at all. I don’t even think I really had an understanding of what a lesbian was besides something negative. Ellen [DeGeneres] was the only celebrity I can remember being a lesbian and my understanding was that lesbians wore boy clothes and had short hair.

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DECARVALHO: What has your journey to building a queer community online been like and what initially inspired you to start building one?

SCOTT: I didn't seek it out at first. I was using Tumblr [circa 2009-2010] to save interior design inspo. I was very into home decor and used it as a kind of Pinterest, saving random stuff. Then my girlfriend at the time was on vacation and I was missing her, so I posted a photo of us. I didn't have a following on Tumblr and I didn't even understand. I woke up the next day and had a bunch of comments, likes, and messages from people. Clearly, we are all seeking this community and I don't think I fully realized that back then.. I just remember being like, what is going on? And this is kind of cool. From there, being able to connect with people from all over the world was so exciting to me.. it felt like we had this little secret together. You would message with people and this person would know that person. It felt like we created this very tight community like you would have in a sporting event or church, but it was online.. we didn't have to be [physically] close. And it was the first time I remember feeling not alone. I felt like I was finally myself because I was hiding parts of myself, no matter who I was with, because I wasn't really out to anyone at that time.I finally felt like, ‘Oh my God, I'm being myself’ even if I'm behind a computer screen, and I just felt so confident. So I just slowly gained a community and developed that because that's what I was seeking.

GLOWENKE: I came out when I moved to L.A. - I came to L.A. one time and had this gut feeling that this was where I needed to be. When I got here, I pretty quickly switched my apps to men and women where no one knew me to explore that side of me. I had my first girl-relationship during COVID, and when we broke up she said, ‘Nobody's ever going to want to be with you because you came out way too late and you don't know what you're doing’. So I made it my mission - I was like, I need to talk about this. I can't be the only one that's going through this. I've always known to some degree that I wanted to create, so I got on TikTok as a way to be like, what the fuck is going on? I'm 28. I just came out. Where do I meet lesbians? How do I flirt with a girl? It was a way for me to be like, is anybody else feeling this way?  I saw some decent feedback and that was really the beginning.

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DECARVALHO: What have you learned from your community about the importance of queer visibility in media/social media?

SCOTT: When I started sharing, I felt like I wasn't doing enough. I was like, I'm not an advocate enough. I'm not doing rallies every weekend for the queer community. And I really felt weird about that for a while. Like, why am I in this space? And then I realized just the visibility is doing a lot. I'm so excited that the Internet has expanded and that there are so many incredible queer content creators. It's so important for people to find things that they relate to. And sure, one person can spark that, but we just have to keep going and keep diversifying so that everyone can see themselves in it.

GLOWENKE: When we first started doing this [podcast], I had those fear thoughts like, is this worth doing, is anybody even going to listen to this? And what we've seen is that it is absolutely needed. There are many more people than you would think who have nothing or are in extreme situations - these people are desperate to hear stories of hope and happiness and to see themselves in someone. It's sad to see how much it really is still needed. A lot of clips that we post resonate because we're all going through the same things to some degree. So it makes sense why it clicks and why posts go viral because there's people sitting at home that are like, ‘holy shit, I had no idea other people felt that way’. And that's such a cool thing to be able to provide for people.

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DECARVALHO: How do you handle criticism or backlash, particularly from individuals who may not be supportive of LGBTQ+ visibility and representation?

SCOTT: Honestly when it [hate] comes to my sexuality, I couldn't care less. Whenever I give people advice about coming out, I've always said that once you're secure with yourself, it's so much easier because other people's opinions don't matter. I feel really secure in that.  If you're giving me hate, you are in a really dark place in your life. Try to think of the people in your life - would any of the people that you love, respect, and admire ever go online and say those things? They wouldn't. So who are these people? They're not people you need to worry about or their opinions. They're never people you would actually take constructive feedback from. So why are we gonna take these words from them? Where my fear lies is that my page isn't just for my eyes, it’s the community. It’s for people who are closeted and scared. And if they're scrolling my comments and they see that [hate], it could really harm them. Even though I know it won't hurt me, [homophoic comments] could hurt somebody else, so I have a lot of filters to weed those people out or delete comments when I see them.

GLOWENKE: This is where I'm really glad that I've come into this at an older age because when you're older, you're like, ‘okay, fuck you. I know who I am and I'm good’. Growing up in Texas, I know where a lot of that stuff comes from - I know where the comments come from, where those feelings and thoughts come from. It’s a lot of shame and a lot of work that hasn't been done by that person, so I think I'm able to repel a lot of those things because I'm solid in who I genuinely am.

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DECARVALHO: What advice would you give to aspiring social media influencers who want to use their platforms to support/empower the queer community?

SCOTT: Share what's authentic to you. Don't go seeking out anything specific. Just be yourself and let people who relate to that come to you. I have always operated off of not posting what's going to get the most views, I'm just going to share myself and whatever audience that attracts. I know when I post stuff about being queer that it gets the most views, the most likes, the most attention - and that's fair, I created my audience on that, but when I transitioned into the beauty and skincare world [because that's what I love] I knew that I would lose followers and that I would have to rebuild an audience that cared about that. I knew there were already a bunch of people in the beauty space, and they might not care about what the gay girl has to say about it, but that's what I wanted to do. I was going to do it because it's what I love, it's what feels authentic to me, and it's how I enjoy creating content. Be yourself authentically, show up as you, and you will find your community.

GLOWENKE: I think there's a lot that goes into it. Yes, you have to be consistent. Yes. You have to show up. Those things do matter, but posting consistently every day, if you're not posting things that matter to you or come from a genuine place, is not something people are going to latch on to. I care so deeply about building up the lesbian community and making sure that girls have someone to look to and say ‘Yeah, that's fucking cool!.. I can be that and I want to be that’. And I think that is such a genuine mission, more so than followers or our faces being out there.  We can talk details and semantics and all the things that fell together that made this happen, but really, it's just that I believe in it - I love this topic, I love my friends, I love my community, I love the people I'm around, and I'm genuinely interested in telling their stories and giving them a platform. And I think that's what it is. Find something that you love and can talk about it all day. And when they see that passion, and they will, they'll latch on to it and hopefully it'll help a lot of people. I just want people to see this and feel less alone.”